stella and/or ben

sequel

I called, and let's say, the news wasn't good. But, the news given made me and J discuss infertility again. It really had been a while that we discussed that topic. Can't say I missed opening Pandora's box, but what's done is done.

There is a plan.

I'm going to stop writing this blog now. Seems like the perfect time really. I'm not going to go too far though. I just feel the need to finish this story about how we tried, failed and succeeded to conceive the star, how we were pregnant and gave birth to the star and how much she enriched our lives. This blog is about her. What lies ahead in our infertility journey isn't about her (indirectly it is of course, we fought many battles having her, many of which we won't have to fight again to have another child).

So the end it it. I actually going to attempt to blog anonymously in the new place, but I'd be delighted if you wanted to continue to read. Really, I need all the support I can get, and I know of no other community being loving and supporting like the infertility community is - always. Leave a comment to this post with your e-mail address and I'll mail you where to find the new blog.

Good bye and Thank you so much. You all have saved my life more than one time. Many of you I have grown very attached to and I keep in my thoughts and my heart. Thank you!

awareness

It took me four attempts to log into Typepad before I remembered the right login/password combination. That really is a sign. I haven't blogged in a very long time. But now it's time to dust off this blog and update. Last week, when I had actually intended to write this post, was (Inter)National Infertility Awareness Week.

And wow am I aware of it.Infertility, am I ever not going to be aware of it?

When it comes to updating about our infertility it'll be a very short update. Nothing has happened.

Other things have happened though, that play a part in our journey to another child. Last time I posted I was really devastated that we would have to wait over a year to try to have another child. One year, only to try. Which means, probably more than two years before we would, if we were exceptionally lucky, have another child. Such a long wait. I was really sad for a couple of day. Sad in the old, all too well-know, paralyzing, bitter kind of way. But then, I started to research the possibilities to do dIUI abroad. We live right on the boarder to a country when there are almost no waiting times for dIUIs. So, we started to make plans. To try after New Years 09/10. But for several reasons (which I won't go into detail with in this post) we decided not to go for it. It didn't feel right.

Instead, after a few months of unemployment (which I happily spend as a full-time stay at home mom) I found a new job. A fantastic job, both with regards to being challenged and career development and with regards to having and creating fun and opportunities for myself. After years being miserable at work, I now have a smile on my face while I stress to work in the morning.

Being two full time working parents (ok, Jonatan works only 75%, which is still a lot and includes a commute) turned our mellow life into a juggling of pre-school, work, activities, chores, you know it, the everyday wheel.

Stella strives at daycare, she is still such a sweet little girl with such a strong mind and will. At times it feels as if we live in tantrum central, but as a preschool-teacher-friend-of-mine pointed out, "kids expressing many tantrums feel very secure and safe (so they dare to be tantrummy)". I make this my mantra during one of the more terrible tantrums. But after a phase of particularly many tantrums she always seems to have grown so much. Both physically and mentally. Especially mentally. She's getting smarter by the minute. Talking like there is no tomorrow. She's mastering the bilingual upbringing much better than I could ever have hoped. She almost exclusively speaks Swedish, with German words mixed in but she understands everything we tell her in both German and Swedish. It'll be interesting to see if she actually says more German words and sentences after next week, which she will spend with my dad since Jonatan and I will be taking a 4-day mini-break/husband-wife trip to Barcelona. YAY. I'm a tiny bit worried if my dad alone will manage with Stella, but I guess whenever he doesn't know what to do the little talk-machine Stella will tell him what to do.

Now, infertility. It's soon a year since I made the call to the clinic during which I was told that we'd have to wait at least a year to be able to try for another child. By now, I am so so ready to try again. I am longing to become a mother again. Make Stella a big sister. Several of the kids at pre-school have recently become big brothers/sisters and Stella is now talking a lot about "lillasyster" (little sister) or "lillebror" (little brother) and playing with her cuddly toys and dolls addressing them as lillasyster/lillebror. It makes my heart melt and love her all the more. My little star.

So there we are, waiting. Patiently still, but growing more and more impatient. Belly envy is growing.

I know trying for another child will be different than trying for Stella. I was a different woman than - desperate, bitter, impatient (ha, that hasn't changed really), and to be quite honest, quite depressed. This time, whatever the outcome of our attempts to have another child, I will no longer be a childless mother. I am a mother, and that is not going to change. I won't fall apart if we were not to have another child. I know that. But that won't keep me from trying hard, very hard, to make Stella a big sister and myself and Jonatan parents again. I'm ready. On Monday - from Barcelona - I'm going to call the clinic for an update on our position on the dreaded waiting list. I just so hope that we're going to get started again this year.

Before I finish off this post, I want to pull your attention to Nikoles 65 Roses project. I was so happy I got a chance to support this cause and her brothers Cystic Fibrosis foundation. Stella an I are happily wearing our two beautiful roses.

Blurry

It's all kind of blurry. Again. I should have known better and shouldn't just have expected that trying for a second child after all the IF history we have, would be any easier than having the first one. Stupid stupid me.

So stupid. Dum really.

So, turns out there is a +1 year waiting list to do another DIUI if trying for a second child. Most likely 1.5 years. Maybe 2. Ha ha. Funny really. Sad actually.

I am soooooo back on that bloody rollercoaster. I feel like vomitting already. Puke puke puke.

In the mean time. Thank goodness for blogging. But I think I need to do some changes. I'm not sure I even want to keep this blog to write about our attempts to have another child (in like 5 million years if we are lycky enough), since I started it to chronicale our journey to the star.

The star by the way is thriving. A delight. My mamma-heart is filled with so much love I still cry at times just looking at her. She's a big girl now, ready to start kindergarten. Oh my.

More soon!

Advertisement

It's been such a long time since I posted, this blog is collecting dust. So much has happened. Stella is growing up to be a delightful toddler. She was such a delightful baby already, not surprising she's a sweet little girl. Although, she's giving us a preview of the terrible two at the moment.

What else? Oh I lost my job. 3 weeks after returning to work in February, my job was made redundant. Luckily I received a settlement package, which makes this situation easier. I'm going back to university in September for a 2 year advanced master program.

With all this new-found time on my hand (i.e. no job to go to, husband being on parental leave and taking care of aforementioned delightful toddler), I have ventured into designing and making baby/toddler clothing. On a small scale, but nevertheless. It feels wonderful to work with my hobby. Sew and dress children :)

So, without saying much more, please visit my Etsy shop Stelline and shop if you like. Our sweet baby is by the way the model pictured.

I really want to blog about infertility again soon, I just have to find a way how to express what I want to say. Dreaming of another child. Are we dealing with secondary infertility if we would be trying again now, after having dealt with primary infertility? Or would we rather be dealing once more with primary infertility? Isn't secondary infertility, when you have a child, which was conceived "without problems" and you need assistance to have another one, i.e. the notion of infertility came into the picture only with the second child? More next time though.

One Year Old

My baby had her first birthday. In fact, she's so grown up that I feel the word "baby" doesn't do her justice. She's a toddler, in action all the time. She's so sweet and loving. She loves to play and read books. Today her bed was moved into her own room and right now she's sleeping soundly in her little bed. J and I have a major case of separation anxiety.

The call

If you are a reader of my other blog, the one where I constantly and in every post brag about how great, fantastic and wonderful Stella is, you know that I seemingly have turned into a mommy-blogger of the worst kind. Blahhh. I really have though. I'm a mommy-blogger, and although I know that some readers of this blog feel that they can never become a happy, clappy mommy-blogger after struggling with IF for years, I transitioned into it rather smoothly and naturally. Or so I thought, because who am I kidding. There is no happy clappy mommy-blogging for us infertiles, is there?

I had a big clash with "The Real World - Infertility" yesterday.

I made the call. I dreaded to make that call. I pushed calling the call into the future, one day at a time. I'll call tomorrow, tomorrow again, next week, after the vacation....

I called our RE's office yesterday to talk to our donor coordinator. About siblings. About our donor. About siblings we want our donor's sperm for.

Many of the people we told that Stella was conceived using donor sperm have asked if we have the option to use the sperm again if we ever wanted to try for a sibling. Everytime people asked, we had to say "we are not sure", because we weren't. We knew there possibly was the option for a sibling. But that it wasn't sure, depending much on the donor and the number of sucessfully conceived children with donors sperm.

Well, after calling we know the following:
1) The donors sperm is not available for us for trying for a sibling. It's nothing personal towards us, the donor just decided that he in general doesn't want to donate more. This is something we must respect.
2) Our donor coordinator will not contact the donor to ask if he is available for donoating to us for a sibling. He apparently has made clear that he is not available when she contacted him earlier this year when another couple wanted his sperm for a sibling.
3) There are at least two other children conceived with the donor's sperm.
4) Our donor coordinator is the most un-empathetic person in the whole fucking universe. While I was sobbing on the phone to her asking questions, she tells me that we simply have to regroup and adapt to the situation. And oh yeah, she also mentioned upon my repeated request to why she can't try to contact the donor again, that the donor has to be protected. Who the fuck protects my daughter?

We are very sad for our daughter that she can't have a sibling sharing the same donor conception story and the same donor. Very sad. In fact it feels like a big infertility bitch-slap in the face. And honestly I am rather surprised by that reaction. Prior to calling I didn't know what to expect. We knew that there was the possibility that we can't have the same donor. But once I was on the phone and the coordinator checked the data-base while I was on hold, my heart started racing and it felt as if one giant opportunity appeared, which within seconds was taken from us again.

So yet again, we feel a loss. I feel extremely sad for Stella and the lost opportunity. I do anything to protect Stella, but infertility is beating me. Infertility is just crap.

What is different this time is that we are prepared, but most of all that we have Stella. The best thing in the world. We suceeded once, and we will again. Just looking at Stellas big grin makes me so enormously happy.

It's weird though, I haven't been sad since we had Stella, and for sure I haven't cried since months. But yesterday I did. I felt a bit of bitterness emerging again, this time however it had a different undertone. While before I was mostly sad for us not being able to conceive, I felt so sad for my child yesterday.

Hmmm, we are still in no hurry to have another child, but know now where we stand. Today I feel much better and in desperate need to go over to my mommy-blog and post a gazillion pictures of the star and write a happy clappy post. I am so thankful I am a mommy-blogger these days, despite the crap of infertility that somehow never really leaves.
 
Stella 8 months old

Some things

I miss this blog. The anonymity of it. I can write pretty much what I want and know that neither my mother, neighbor or colleagues are reading what I have written. I can write about the "secret" stuff. And I do want to write about that stuff, I feel that I need to write about that stuff.

1) Number two. And I am not talking about p*o*o, just to make sure nobody misunderstands what I mean, since here in Swe*de number two is often referred to as just that - p*o*o. I mean baby number two.

I am an only child and I always liked being an only child. Not that I would have been unhappy if I'd had a sibling, but I have been very happy and contend without a brother or sister. That said, I always anticipated that with Stella being born and us drifting off into happy family life I'd leave TTC being us. Hmmm, what can I say? I do long after another child. Having Stella was/is the best thing that has evr happened to me. It completely fulfills me and I really want another child. Both for egoistic reasons (giving birth is just addictive and the sweet smell of the newborn is the best thing in the world) as well as for Stella. Stella deserves a sibling. Somebody to share her conception. Somebody she can totally relate to, somebody that will have the same feeling about their conception as she will have.

J feels the same - wants another child too. However, we do want to enjoy Stella for a bit longer, want to settle into happy family life. Maybe start again in a year or two. No rush. Nevertheless I think about it - every day.

2) Libi*do. Oh it's low. What can I do about it? I feel sorry for J and honestly I am a bit worried. I do want to get my mojo back. Soon.

There are more things, like my "fear/worries/unsureness" about how to tell Stella one day, but I'm going to write about that another day. Now I will enjoy my 4 weeks of summer vacation with J and Stella. Heaven! Below a recent picture of the little star.

Dear star,

It was just five months ago that they put you on my belly, wet and bloody, divine and crying. You are the best that ever happened to me. The moment I knew you were growing inside of me, the dark clouds of infertility started to disappear and they are all but gone by now. For months and years I was bitter, I forgot how it was to be happy. You make me happy, fulfill me and make the difficult past years all worth while. I'd do it all again if you are the grand prize.

When you are done with your lunch nap I will take you for a walk to the hospital where you were conceived and born as I usually do each 30th of the month. I will probably have to fight back the happy tears - or maybe I just let them run. I love you my baby, and pappa does too.

Mamma

Wish come true....

...so true!!!!

While Stella has since some weeks outgrown the Worth the Wait onesize, she has finally grown into the very very cute Wish come true onesize, which she got so very kindly from the fabulous (and wonderful and talented and kind and fantastic and all sorts of other "adoring" adjectives) Beagle. I hope so much that I can in the near future return the onesize to Beagle for her own little Wish come true to wear it.

Worth the wait!!!

Check out our fashionable little baby in a very cool onesize that she got from the very generous Sunny Jenny. Thank you so much for it. For some reason though Stella can't wear this particular onesize longer than 2 hours, since she always succeeds peeing all over it (that's why I haven't been able to take a better picture than the one below) :-S...

Oh no. Not Mary-Ellen and Steve. This should not be happening. Please go over there and give them all your love and support.

Blogiversary...again*** UPDATED

*** UPDATE: Dooooh, of course all of your e-mails didn't work...doh....I provided the wrong adress. Dohhhh. The correct one is: stellaandorben at gmail dot com.

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Today is the 2nd blogiversary of this blog. I started this blog on blogger and would have never imagined how important it would become fore me. What would I have ever done without this blog? I would have never met all of you and Lut even IRL? I would have never been so well informed about IF as I am. I would have lacked confidence in demanding only the best when it comes to treatment and I assume that I would be still questioning many decisions I have made.

Hence, January 11th makes me a bit very sentimental. There have been quite some New Years Eves this past years when I didn't want to celebrate, when I could only think of what I didn't have - a child. Not this year though. This year started better than I could have ever imagined. New Years Eve I spent with Stella and J shedding tears of happiness.

So it is on January 11th, 2 years after I started this blog that I put it into some kind of passive existence. As I have announced earlier, I won't be blogging about Stella here, but rather on a password protected blog. Please let me know (stellaandorben at gmail dot com) if you want to be invited. I am only inviting those I "know" though...sorry but I feel that I need to be a bit restrictive.

I am surely going to write here too once in a while. I want to write how much I thank you for giving me all this support and love though the past 2 years. I am very grateful and more than thankful to have met all of you on this long journey. I most definitely wouldn't have come out of infertility hell as composed and well as I have been.

The shortest story and another picture....

I want to write about the birth and I will give you a longer version of it for now I leave you with another picture and my general "feeling" about birth.

It was fantastic. Mild induction.  Standing up 90 % of the time. Epidural.  3 tiny stitches required afterwards. J and me were a fantastic birthing team. We had a wonderful midwife guiding us through all of it, I get teary just thinking about her. I felt Stellas head as I pushed her out of me, this gave me an enormous kick to continue with what I was doing. 12 hour total from induction start (with a medicine against stomach ulcers???) to her lying on my stomach.

This is the next day at the "patients hotel", a place next to the hospital where new families can stay and have access to midwifes, etc. for 48 hours:

Hello world - I am Stella!

Stella born 30 december 2007. 9.44 pm.
Weight: 3415 gram. Height: 49 cm.
We are all doing very well.
More soon...for now...

38w6d - And so it begins....

My waters broke, the night before yesterday. In fact it all started with me loosing the mucus plug at 2 am on Dec.27 (38w5d) and possibly even then I started to lightly drip water. I consulted my smart pregnancy book and was advised to go back to sleep, which I tried to do (not that easy though when your heart and mind are racing). Eventually I slept an hour between 4 and 5 am. At 5 am my waters broke in my sleep, waking me up lying in a wet bed. I called the hospital to let them know what has happened and was advised to come in at 9 am. I was waiting for painful contractions to start.

At 9 am we went to the hospital with still no painful contractions. The doctor confirmed that my waters had broken and that both I and the Insider were doing just fine, and I was sent home with a new appointment for today in case labor hasn't set in....but not before another flush of waters breaking right there in the hospital leaving me with wet pants :-S.

Most of yesterday I slept, trying to gain energy and strength for the impending labor and delivery. This morning we went to the hospital again to have the baby and me monitored and all seems still fine, so we are back home again.

We are waiting for labor to start, contractions that is...we are waiting for contractions. The Insider is doing fine, in fact I think she is preparing for what will be her great entrance. We go back to the hospital tomorrow morning for more monitoring. If all is well even then, we will be sent home again. Labor will be induced no later than Sunday though.

I am in good spirits and I am working on keeping it this way. J is my rock. We are killing time now, cleaning (J), cooking de-frosting (me), sleeping (me), playing with the kitty (J), blogging (me) and watching films (both of us). I am back in limbo land in a way - no longer really pregnant, not in labor and not a mother yet. I am happy and excited and can't wait to have the Insider with us. I really hope I don't have to be induced, but whatever will be, will be, right?

Wish us luck and Happy New Year to all of you!!!