stella and/or ben

The Second End

Retrieval went well  – 11 eggs just like last time. Js TESA went well too, enough sperm found for fertilization, just like last time (though it was frozen then). He’s not in too much pain and discomfort and I am not either, although I am bloated and look about 5 month pregnant.

In fact, everything is just like last time. By now, our second cycle is canceled, yes

C-A-N-C-E-L-E-D

since no fucking fertilization has happened– just like last time. Bad cop won, we are rotting in hell. IVF#2 – gone to hell.

What’s there more to say or write?
Maybe that our chances for having a biological child have decreased to about 0%?
Maybe that we are in pain, too stunned to say or do anything?
Maybe that we feel cheated? It’s about a year ago, that they found sperm in the first TESA, sperm that made us happy, that gave us a future. This future is gone now. What has this last year been? False-hope-hell?
Maybe that we are confused as to why it didn’t work this time, or last time?
Maybe that we feel we cannot go on like this?
Maybe nothing more? Our brains, ovaries and testicles are empty. As is my uterus. There is nothing more to say. Nothing that can fill this emptyness.

From where we stand, I can tell you that hell is not a nice place, but I don’t actually have to tell you since most of you have been in your own kinds of hell. We are so sad, and so confused, and unhappy.

We have an appointment with Dr. GermanSpeaking on Friday. He will try to summarize why this hasn’t worked for us and we will discuss our ART future. As I see it, our IVF path is over, over before it ever really took off. Ironically we still have 3 governmentally financed IVF cycles at our disposal, since our prior two don’t actually count as cycles since there was no fertilization. But they could probably finance 100 cycles more, it wouldn’t change the outcome, it would only break us.

Do the limbo dance

If you wonder where I am, here’s the street sign of my current location (photographed this summer in Florence)

Limbo

I have a bad case of "good cop – bad cop" going on in my head:

Good cop: Oh, you just have to believe that it will work this time. Hope and have faith and trust in modern medicine. You’ll get what you want, I just know it.

Bad cop: Pfffff, trust in hope, that freaking bitch. Don’t you dare believe in all this modern medicine crap. You know the statistics. It’ll all end badly, very very very badly, just wait and see. You’ll get what you deserve, I just know it. Rot in hell.

The rest of my brain: Limbo cool, limbo fine……

I guess you can take the German girl out of Germany, but you can’t take David Hasselhoff out of the German girl *. Everybody join in now when we sign...

Limbo cool, limbo fine
Ev’rybody gets a chance
Clap your hands it’s party time
Do the limbo dance...

IVF update: Been to the clinic this morning, assertive ass-bitch (aka. me) demanded information, 10-12 follicles, just like last time. I asked if we can have se*x until retrieval (no sex after tomorrow), which made J. giggle like an 8 year-old catholic school girl (MEN!!!). Dr. GermanSpeaking is very satisfied with how this cycle has gone so far, and has scheduled egg retrieval for Monday morning 8 am. TESA around 11 am, after that “Prison Break Season 2”. Wish us luck! I am so scared.

* Of course I am joking, I was too busy being in LOVE with Jason Donovan the year that song came out, when I was like 12 or so, so there was no room for anybody else

Heaven knows I'm miserable now...

I've been home the past two days. Not working, since I am rather miserable right now. Mostly physical, but being scared shit all the time does not help keep my strength, hopes and mood up either.

Sunday night we took, as part of the normal IVF medication regime, the hated Fasigyn, a high dosage of antibiotics, normally taken to treat STIs (se*xually transm*itted infec*tions) like Trichomonas vaginalis. Fasigyn is made of tinidazole, which I pronounced in my head as "tiny asshole" the first time I read it on the package label. Yes tiny assholes they are. One of the main side effects is nausea and vomiting, which I luckily didn't get, however yesterday I was struck down with diarrhea (also a common side effect). I have a bad attitude towards antibiotics, always have had. I just don't want to take them; they make me sick, both actually and literally (but I am of course grateful for the potential curing power they have...I know I apply double moral here, a double moral only a mostly healthy person can have I guess). Thus, it feels extra meaningless to take this stuff, just as a precaution.

On top of the Fasigyn side effects, I am now constantly having headaches. It has been four weeks today since I started spraying Suprecur, 4 fucking weeks, and I can feel that it has been two weeks more this time. Hadn't the clinic closed for the summer, had I not needed these extra two weeks. But it’s OK, soon it's over anyways, the Suprecur that is, the rest of this cycle I hope not. I have been reading some articles these past days dealing with frozen vs. fresh sperm. They all indicate that fresh sperm yields on average better fertilization results than the frozen stuff, but I am not going to build my hopes on the 3-10 % difference that lies between the two types of sperm. Last time around they found the sperm to be alive and well, it's not as if they tried to ICSI dead fish into my eggs, and it still didn’t work.

Sorry for this whiny post (note to self: get your freaking act together). I hope to return with a more upbeat post next time….but who am I actually kidding, 6 days before egg retrieval and I am talking about upbeat posts. In a week from now, this post might appear as THE happy-post, who knows? I am a whining evil bitch, that’s just how it is…right now.

#4 (Part 1)

IVF in Sweden

An overdue post ahead.

When I started this blog back in January, just prior to us starting IVF/ICSI #1, I got into contact with all of you wonderful people. You describe your journeys through infertility, which you travel on different continents and in different countries. I learned a lot about IUIs, IVF, Chlomid, and whatnot, how things are done in the US, Canada, Australia, other parts of Europe and even Africa. You all describe how you experience it, how it is done in your part of the world. Whereas I think that the methods used in ART are similar (not to be mixed up with “the same”) throughout the world, it appears as if the pre-conditions can be somewhat different.

Thus, here I go. Here’s a peek into my ART world. Since there is so much to write, I devide this whole IVF in Sweden topic into parts, this post being part 1, where I from both a personal as well as factual point of view try to explain the situation. I can’t guarantee that I will be completely objective, but I will try to bring in many facts.

I know, I have done this before, but I’ll start with a short introduction of the country of Sweden, since the demographics and history do play a role in how ART is handled and viewed here from a legislative and social point of view.

Sweden is small. Very small. Not necessarily when it comes to square kilometers, but when it comes to population. 9 Million. That’s all. That’s just some more than  the population of New York City. It takes about 2 days to drive from the most southern point of Sweden to the North, where you hit the arctic circle.

The Swedish Welfare State (and here I copy from Wikipedia)

“The state provides for tax-funded childcare, parental leave, a ceiling on health care costs, tax-funded education (all levels up to, and including university), retirement pensions, tax-funded dental care up to 20 years of age and sick leave (partly paid by the employer). A similar situation prevails in many other European countries, although the Swedish welfare state is one of the most extensive. Parents are entitled to a total of 480 days partly paid leave between birth and the child's eighth birthday, with 60 days reserved specifically for each parent, in effect providing the father with two so called "daddy-months"; this has been the source of much controversy.

The welfare state requires high taxes. Since the late 1960s, Sweden has had the highest tax quota (as percentage of GDP) in the industrialized world, but today the difference is only a couple of percentage points of GDP above that of other high-tax countries such as France, Belgium and Denmark. Sweden has a two step progressive tax scale with a municipal income tax of about 30% and an additional high-income state tax of 20-25% when a salary exceeds roughly 300 000 SEK per year. The employing company pays an additional 32% of an "Employer's fee". In addition, a national VAT of 25% or 18% is added to many things bought by private citizens, with the exception of food (12% VAT), transports, and books (6% VAT). Certain items are taxed at higher rates, e.g. petrol/diesel and alcoholic beverages.”

So, when you are reproductively challenged, you should be glad to be living in Sweden, shouldn’t you? The welfare state will take care of you, right? Well, it does, in a way. It’s a fight though. But what isn’t when it comes to infertility?

After a year of trying to conceive and not having succeeded to get pregnant (or having had multiple miscarriages) one is advised to visit an OB. This however, depending on where you live, can become already the first high hurdle. Waiting times for an OB appointment can take up to 1 year. For us it took 5 month and 22 phone calls to 22 OBs asking if it was possible that I become one of their patients.

Once at the OB, the normal tests are done. This article describes what kind of testing they do (only in Swedish – what you don’t understand Swedish?). If/when these initial tests are done and they find the reason for the underlying infertility the OB refers either directly to a RE or to the fertility department of the local (or nearest) hospital, in order for them to do more extended test, i.e. TESA. This referral can take up to 1.5 years, again, dependent on where you live. It took 8 months for us. Once at the fertility department a thorough analysis of the status of your reproductive capabilities, probing, poking, wanding, and the rest of the package is done. Having the results of that, one is once again referred, back to the OB with the request for the OB to refer the infertile couple to an RE. In Sweden, most health care is governmentally controlled and financed (yes, yes all our tax money), however government doesn’t want to have anything to do with the infertiles and leaves baby making business to the private health sector, although they put up the cash for the treatment. The referral from the OB to the RE takes about 9 month on average.

All in all, one is,in the worst case, busy trying to conceive a grand total of (us):
Good old-fashioned sex                        12 month (12)
Trying to get appointment with OB        12 month (5)
Testing at OB                                           2 month (2)
Referral to local hospital                        18 month (8)
Testing at local hospital                          6 month (6)   
Referral to RE                                           9 month (6)
Grand total                                            59 month (39)

Now you know with what we have been busy the 39 months (prior to our first visit at the RE in February 2006), mostly we have been waiting and stuck in fucking referral hell.    

Once at the RE things begin to look better. No more referral hell. Since all of Swedens REs clincs are privately owned and run, things tend to go quickly and smoothly. There are 15 REs clinics in Sweden doing IVF. If your OB and the local hospital attest to the Swedish social security (Socialstyrelsen) office, that you cannot naturally conceive due to one of the many medical reason (female and male factor), social security bears the cost of IVF. In fact, it all pretty much depends on where in the country you live again. Personally, we have 3 IVF/ICSI cycles covered by social security, however in many other parts of the country only one IVF attempt is covered. The age of the woman as well as prior children play a role in determining if you are a candidate for governmentally financed baby making or not. Siblings are, as a rule not covered, only one child (or 2 if you are having twins). If you want to extend your family, you better start saving up.

Here’s what people pay who are not covered by social security:

IUI                                                                 700 US$
Standard IVF        
    Cycle 1                                                    3350 US$
    Cycle 2                                                    3000 US$
IVF/ICSI
    Cycle 1                                                    4000 US$
    Cycle 2                                                    3000 US$
IVF/ICSI (with TESA)
    Cycle 1                                                    4200 US$
    Cycle 2                                                    3750 US$
Freezing of Sperm/Embryos                    1300 US$
Storage of frozen sperm/embryos          140 US$ / year

Package deal:
Standard IVF (three cycles)                        6700 US$
IVF/ICSI (three cycles)                               6700 US$

Comparing these prices to what many of you are paying/paid, I think the Swedes who are not covered by social security, i.e.  unexplained infertility or secondary infertility, are still somewhat lucky. Lucky, since we do not pay for medications. Everybody in Sweden is covered by the so-called high-cost protection. If you need medication costing more than 170 US Dollars per year, social security covers the extra costs. With medications costing approximately 1000 US Dollars per IVF cycle one has one worry less when undergoing IVF. FYI, GPD per capita is just under 30000 US Dollars per year.

Now, I have already written a lot, and I haven’t even started going into the specifics of IVF treatment in Sweden. I am going to cut here and continue in my next post. These topics lie ahead:
•    Choices of medications. Protocols.
•    Choices of embryos.
•    Fertilization and transfer (1 vs. more than 1 embryo)
•    Acupuncture, and alternative medicine.
•    The patient – the unknowing participant
•    Psychological support
•    Usage of donor sperm/donor eggs
•    The Beta – What’s that? Beta? A pee stick is all you are going to get.

Oh, but before I go, I just wanted to let you know I am doing OK. I still feel very detached from this cycle. I am not in the same place where I was during IVF/ICSI #1. It’s OK though; at least work is not suffering that much this time.

Que Sera

Tomorrow I start injecting Puregon. Strangely, I am looking forward to it. I am getting excited. And yes, hope has finally arrived. She’s still very shy, but she comes around once in a while. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this might work. The more I tell myself, the more I read about it and the more you all tell me, the more I feel confident that fresh sperm might actually do the difference and that our IVF#2 cycle will possibly not be cut short before it actually begins. What’s there to do other than hope for success anyways? Not much. Our hands are bound once again, and we just have to follow along the medical protocol and hope for modern technology to succeed. Hope hope hope.

Ironically, tomorrow, the day we kick off the über egg production stim phase, is the day that Stella has her name day (at least here in Sweden). An omen? Who knows, but I will be thinking about my future child a lot tomorrow I think. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be?

Suprecur has gotten to the best of me. Tears are rolling free again and the headache makes me dizzy. Unfortunately there won't be anymore working from home in the next weeks, since my work laptop which connects me to all the necessary databases and information  when at home, got destroyed by J. in an evil but accidental attack of Champagne, intended for my lips but instead splashed all over my keyboard causing a major short-circuit and lots of sticky keys. Well, well, I can’t be mad at him. He was serving me Champagne. That should count for something.

Well, y’all, wish me luck for tomorrow. Let’s hope I won’t freak out seeing my Puregon pen again. Let’s hope J. doesn’t freak out and faints again. Hope, hope, hope.

By the way, the tally mark is up with 2 marks. Both from work, during my summer vacation. That’s how it is when you work at a company where everybody is under 40 and super fertile, babies non-stop. I also have a pregnant colleague. I found out after I returned from our honeymoon. I am Ok with it, although envy is overcoming me at least once per day, when looking at her belly. She’s single and the child is not planned. But well, que sera?

One last thing, addressed to the person who got directed to my blog googling “will fennel tea increase my chances of getting pregnant”: No, no, no – it won’t!!! Don’t believe that crap! But fennel seed tea tastes great! Drink it for pleasure, don't build you reproductive hopes on it.

Wishin' and hopin'

I have really missed you all. It’s good to be back. It really is. It’s also good to be back doing IVF – at least we are doing something, trying. And guess what? No, hope has not shown up yet, I am getting rather negative actually, it won’t work, it won’t work, it won’t work, my new mantra. But, I know where hope is? She’s in Canada, with Jenny. My first ever cycle sister Jenny has a positive (and high) beta. I am so so happy. There is hope, lot’s of it. It works. I know it works, but will it ever work for us? I am feeling a little high, yes thanks to you Jenny (thank you!!!). Not hopeful but full of anticipation. It’s good, it makes me appreciate that we are doing THIS, and that it might work.

I’m working from home today. I am struck down by this headache. I am forcing myself to drink water all the time, but it’s not helping. Thus, I greatly appreciate my boss who let’s me work from home when I don’t feel too well, so that I can sit with closed eyes from time to time. Tomorrow I start lowering the Suprecur dose to half (which will hopefully cut the headaches in half?). But enough of that.

The other day I was searching information about my clinic on the Internet and to my surprise I stumbled upon a forum for infertile women here in Swe*den, with a separate threat for my clinic. I was amazed to read all these women’s stories. What surprised me was how unemotional the forum was kept. Very few feelings expressed, and what surprised me even more was the level of information about infertility and IVF that many of the women had. Some of them are going through their 3rd or 4th IVF cycle and they have no clue what they are doing to their bodies really. It surprises me. But I am not sure if that really is the case (i.e. if they don’t know) or if these women are protecting themselves (i.e. if they are not writing about it). Swe*den is a small country, where it is not uncommon that when two people meet for the first time, that they discover they know the same people, which for me is really strange, and it feels that infertility here is much more of a not-spoken about topic than what it is for example in the US. Maybe it is because Swe*den is having a substantial baby boom at the moment (the perfect place for an infertile…not), or maybe it is because the Swe*ds generally do not discuss their private life and problems that much. I’ll have to investigate that a bit more. I was thus more than surprised to find this forum, where many women share their stories. I am contemplating putting up a profile there myself, with a freaking picture and an invitation to talk to me if they want and if they should ever see me at the clinic, because every time we are in the clinics waiting room, everybody looks away, carefully paying attention not to make eye contact. But maybe that’s the Swe*dish way, I don’t know, but I will find out. For now, I have to thank you ladies (and gentlemen) again, for showing me so much love and support.

Here we go again...

Freaking hope where are you? I need you! Come back from your summer retreat in wherever you are. Come back please.

We have been to the clinic this morning. It’s been 3 months since we were there the last time. It has really been that long. Can’t say I missed the place. Really not. Since starting this cycle, and didn’t really feeling the enthusiasm that I feel I should be feeling, I had put my hope on finding hope and enthusiasm once we had been at the clinic. But not even the dil*docam did the job. It’s not that I feel hopeless. No, I just feel nothing and I am fucking scared for what lies before us. But that, I guess, I would feel even if I felt that this cycle might actually result in a pregnancy. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not even dreaming of getting pregnant at this point any longer, I am simply dreaming of fertilized eggs. One goal at the time. If we can just get one or two eggs fertilized, just get a bit further than last time. At least let this cycle become a proper IVF cycle. No fertilization, no IVF cycle, just a stupid resultless IV cycle. Give me an F please.

Enough of the sarcasm and the self-pity. That’ll not bring hope here. Today went fine. The clinic is officially still on vacation and just opened up one day for suppression check appointments. I have never seen so many couples there. Normally we are one of two or three couples. Nothing had prepared us for the 10-15 couples that were jammed into the waiting room this morning. Baby making on a conveyer belt. Suppression looks good for me. Very nice and thin lining (don’t ask me how much – they don’t tell us). Everything is on track, and I would start injecting Puregon right away if the clinic would open up again next week, but since they don’t, I can’t start injecting as there is nobody that can monitor me. So I have to wait until the 15th. We have our next appointment August 24th, with egg retrieval estimated for August 28th. What happens after that, I don’t even want to speculate about.

Since we are using fresh sperm this time, Jonatan will have to go under the knife this time. He has no fear. He is so determined, and wants to do whatever might result in the best possible outcome – a biological child that is. Me too.

This time around I am feeling more side effects of the Suprecur. Hot flashes and headaches, quite constantly. But honestly I don’t care. Bring it on. It’s for such a short time anyways. I can deal with that. Just give me some fertilization as a result and I take whatever. I’m no longer scared of the needles. I can do that. I have no socks this time around and I am not doing acupuncture. I am in a bad IVF-state-of-mind. Maybe things change once I start injecting. Maybe, maybe not. I have in any case put up a short IVF/ICSI #2 calendar in the right sidebar for all of you interested to follow along during this cycle.

Before I leave just a quick side note. I have noticed (thanks to Statco*unter) that I have S*wedish readers. Hmmm. When I started this blog I was very secretive and protective about this blog and about our infertility in general. I still am. I honestly didn’t think that people I know would find and read this blog. But it appears as if I underestimated my friends/family. I am not sure who is reading here in S*weden, but I am pretty sure I know you. Just so that you know, it is OK. Although it is strange to know that somebody “discovered” this blog, I am OK with it. What I have a hard time with though, is not knowing who exactly you are. Please de-lurk. Write me a short e-mail just to let me know (you find my e-mail address in the ‘About’ section). And one more thing, please keep this blog to yourself. If somebody else discovers it, we will deal with that, but please do not spread the word. We are not ready to have our infertility discussed on a bigger scale. It is hard to deal with just by ourselves, without having to discuss and analyze everything in detail with half of S*weden. We will also be N and J from now on, just to reduce the odds for somebody else finding this blog. Everything else will remain the same.

I'm back, still married, and starting to feel and behave evil...

I'm back. I'm married. Can you believe it? I certainly have a hard time at times believing it. I always said that I wouldn't get married. I didn't see the point in it. I also always said that I wanted to be a mother before I'm 25. Well, sometimes you change your mind and sometimes your mind changes you. But to be totally honest, I don't think Jonatan and I would have gotten married if we'd had a child within the normal trying time of let's say 1 year. After 4 years of trying for a baby and still nada we both felt for marriage, that sounds a bit sad, but it’s not.

I feel this post will be a long one. Lot's to say this time. I feel that LIFE is getting me back. The wonderful pink cloud that carried me the past weeks has vanished and been replaced with some stormy grey ones. I am still happy. Still happy about all the things I have been happy about the past years. I love my husband, I always will. He's my minds and souls counterpart and he shares my heart. We are so alike and complement each other on the things we are not alike.

Before I go into the stormy weather topics though I'll give you the wedding story. I know some of you are very excited to read about it (if you want to skip over that, just continue reading at the paragraph starting with "The honeymoon". If you don't want to read about lovely Tuscany, skip over that too and start again at "Shit Infertility...")

The wedding:
Where do I start? God there are so many things to write about, but that I feel I cannot express the right way. I’ll give it a try anyways…

When I woke up on my wedding day, I took my usual cup of coffee at the kitchen table, and read as usual the newspaper, only that I was feeling sick to my stomach. Really sick. I was nervous. Shit nervous. I couldn’t think. So I did what every nervous bride should do, I took a coin and tried to win in the lottery (I had bought one of those lottery tickets where you have to scratch off some stuff to see what you won underneath), and guess what – we won!!!! Ok only SEK 50 which is roughly EUR 5, which is also what the ticket had cost me, but whatever, we won the lottery! Ha, nice start of the day. Was that an Omen?

My bridesmaid S. and I went to the hairdresser and I tried to make conversation but my brain was filled with warm air and nothing would come out of my mouth. I was so nervous that the 2 hours at the hairdresser seemed to pass by in no time. Back at home S. and I “styled” ourselves and S. turned me into the “radiant” bride I had dreamt about so many times before.

At 4 pm we got married, outside at an old 17th century countryside estate turned into restaurant and park and whatnot. The ceremony took about 2 seconds I think. My dad walked me down the isle and when I saw Jonatan and all the guest for the first time I started to sob, but kept it under control. S. had worked hard on making me the said “radiant bride” and I was not going to destroy that look….at least not until much later. We said JA (which is “yes” in both Swedish and German), both Jonatan and I – and smiled and kissed, twice I think. And woooosh I was married, to the man I had met 6 years earlier at an airport for the first time after a short Internet friendship-kind-of-maybe-romance.

We took our pictures (which for fucks sake I still have not seen) and sipped Champagne and mingled with all the guests, followed by a great and very tasty wedding dinner with speeches that made me cry and laugh and love my life, followed by a party that went on longer than what Jonatan and I stayed.

We went to our wedding suite and…well, you know what we did...no not a baby as some of the guest suggested....

To sum it up: It’s actually difficult to sum up a wedding - at least ones own wedding. I feel I am not able to express what I actually felt during the whole day. From jittery bugs in my stomach in the morning to love to laughing and pure happiness, to one adrenalin rush after the next to total excitement and exhaustion. The day flew by way too fast and if you ask me, I’d have a wedding once per year if it’s that much fun every time….I just need to win the lottery with more than EUR 5 though and become a full-time wedding planner. Since we still haven’t seen or gotten our wedding pictures, I’m posting only one more picture below. It’s us – the newly weds with 2 of my best friends from Germany that I know since 5th grade.



The Honeymoon:
A couple of days after the wedding, we left for our honeymoon – Tuscany. 12 days. Florence, Chianti Classico, Siena, Bibbona, Volterra, San Gimignano, Pisa, Lucca and back to Florence again. We had a wonderful time, drank wine, ate pasta, swam in the ocean, did sight seeing en masse and just enjoyed ourselves. On the third day of our honeymoon, my grandfather died, not really expected, but very peacefully he fell asleep in his armchair and never woke up again. Life is a circle and a wedding probably marks one tiny stage in the circle. Having a child is a huge leap. Death closes the circle. Below, us honeymooning…
 

Shit infertility caught up with us in Siena. I started spraying Suprecur in Siena on July 24th. I dusted off the wrist-beeper and it is playing its lovely melody (beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep) to me 4 times per day since then. The crimson bitch arrived on Monday on the flight home (well-timed). With the crimson bitch came also the headaches. Oh, how I have not missed them. But so far so good. I can live with the headaches, not a big deal. What I have a harder time living with is the attitude I am having towards everything. I feel that I couldn’t care less right now. I’m not there mentally. Last time I was. I was scared and it all was new and I took freaking pictures of my meds and I was such a fucking newbie. This time I am just a bit more given up. Is it because I want to be more prepared for the possible negative outcome? Why am I not getting excited about it? Is it because I have not been at the clinic in nearly 3 months? Is it because I am scared shit?

After IVF#1 went so totally to hell I ordered this book, but neither Jonatan nor I have really dared to look at or through it over the past weeks. I have placed it on Jonatans bed side table and I think we’ll both need to read (parts of) it. We had one major talk about IF and IVF during our honeymoon, and it dealt mostly with fears. The greater fears of the farer future. The ones that will manifest itself true if we have to give up on IVF and our biological children. More on that in a later post (the one on “Plan B”) though. The fear is hanging like a big cloud over me now. Add to that the side effects of the Suprecur, because whom am I kidding, I have turned into an evil bitch, and the big cloud suddenly is a big fat grey cloud. I’m just waiting for the rain now. Maybe that’ll start once we had our first appointment with Dr. GermanSpeaking next Tuesday.

Well, that’s all for right now. There are many unwritten posts in my head, like the one about the documentary, or the one about Plan B, or the one where I play along in the tagging game, or the one about IVF in Sweden, or the one about all of you… They’ll have to wait for some other day.

I also feel and want and need to get to all of your blogs and update myself on what’s been going on and post some comments. Some of you are far along in your pregnancies and it amazes me. I started my blog in January and Portlairge was the first person to get pregnant during “my time in blogland”. Now she is soon going to give birth. It is so wonderful. The list of expecting ones is growing and growing and I desperately need to update it on my blog….I just need to find the time to read and find out the news first.

Mini-introduction to IVF(ICSI)#2

Finally, after nearly abusing the blahblahblah category of this wonderful new blog of mine, I have something of value to say. Drumroll please.....

IVF#2 - some dates are set!!!!

I called the clinic today as I had agreed with them when IVF(ICSI)#1 had just gone to hell. I told them when I will have my next period and I told them when I will start spraying the viscious Suprecur. Yes, you read right, I told them, they just listened. I am no newbie to this any more, I know now. I miss the hyperventilating happyness, excitedness, euphoria. Instead I know already, been there done that, I am nearly a bit too detached. But maybe that's because the wedding is on my mind 24/7 and I won't actually start spraying until we are on our honeymoon. Still a long time until the official start of IVF#2. Why then the early planning you ask? Well my clinic shuts down for summer vacation between July 15th and August 21st (the whole of Sweden generally closes down for the entire month of July). That's a long time, and I don't want to waste any day during this cycle. Luckily the clinic opens one day for supression check appointments, August 8th I got us one of the prescious appointments. I'll be a married woman by then, strange though.

IVF#2 in absolute shortness (the dates after the supression check are just guesses from my side):
July 4, Crimson bitch arrives
July 24, Start spraying Suprecur
August 8, Suppression check appointment
August 9, Start Puregon injections
August 21, Egg retrieval / TESA
August 22/23, Hell breaks loose / fertilization
August 23, Embryo transfer (if we ever get that far)

Wow, I am getting excited about it. Mostly about hope. I am still hoping to get pregnant. That's our intermediate goal, and we know that that's going to be hard work for both the Better Half and myself. We are excited and glad and scared shit. Welcome to the IVF plunge.

grrrrrrr

Since 2 days I want to post something, but fucking blogger wouldn't let me. I am so pissed at that. I have actually found a new home for my blog (I just have to hang up some curtains before I can let you into my new home :-)). But since blogger didn't let me do any of the things I wanted to do these past days, it'll take a while till I have imported this blog to my new blog....

grrrrrrr

In the mean time, please visit Thalia and Pamplemousse who are both in deep IVF hell. I hope they punch the devil in the face.

grrrrrrr