The call

If you are a reader of my other blog, the one where I constantly and in every post brag about how great, fantastic and wonderful Stella is, you know that I seemingly have turned into a mommy-blogger of the worst kind. Blahhh. I really have though. I'm a mommy-blogger, and although I know that some readers of this blog feel that they can never become a happy, clappy mommy-blogger after struggling with IF for years, I transitioned into it rather smoothly and naturally. Or so I thought, because who am I kidding. There is no happy clappy mommy-blogging for us infertiles, is there?

I had a big clash with "The Real World - Infertility" yesterday.

I made the call. I dreaded to make that call. I pushed calling the call into the future, one day at a time. I'll call tomorrow, tomorrow again, next week, after the vacation....

I called our RE's office yesterday to talk to our donor coordinator. About siblings. About our donor. About siblings we want our donor's sperm for.

Many of the people we told that Stella was conceived using donor sperm have asked if we have the option to use the sperm again if we ever wanted to try for a sibling. Everytime people asked, we had to say "we are not sure", because we weren't. We knew there possibly was the option for a sibling. But that it wasn't sure, depending much on the donor and the number of sucessfully conceived children with donors sperm.

Well, after calling we know the following:
1) The donors sperm is not available for us for trying for a sibling. It's nothing personal towards us, the donor just decided that he in general doesn't want to donate more. This is something we must respect.
2) Our donor coordinator will not contact the donor to ask if he is available for donoating to us for a sibling. He apparently has made clear that he is not available when she contacted him earlier this year when another couple wanted his sperm for a sibling.
3) There are at least two other children conceived with the donor's sperm.
4) Our donor coordinator is the most un-empathetic person in the whole fucking universe. While I was sobbing on the phone to her asking questions, she tells me that we simply have to regroup and adapt to the situation. And oh yeah, she also mentioned upon my repeated request to why she can't try to contact the donor again, that the donor has to be protected. Who the fuck protects my daughter?

We are very sad for our daughter that she can't have a sibling sharing the same donor conception story and the same donor. Very sad. In fact it feels like a big infertility bitch-slap in the face. And honestly I am rather surprised by that reaction. Prior to calling I didn't know what to expect. We knew that there was the possibility that we can't have the same donor. But once I was on the phone and the coordinator checked the data-base while I was on hold, my heart started racing and it felt as if one giant opportunity appeared, which within seconds was taken from us again.

So yet again, we feel a loss. I feel extremely sad for Stella and the lost opportunity. I do anything to protect Stella, but infertility is beating me. Infertility is just crap.

What is different this time is that we are prepared, but most of all that we have Stella. The best thing in the world. We suceeded once, and we will again. Just looking at Stellas big grin makes me so enormously happy.

It's weird though, I haven't been sad since we had Stella, and for sure I haven't cried since months. But yesterday I did. I felt a bit of bitterness emerging again, this time however it had a different undertone. While before I was mostly sad for us not being able to conceive, I felt so sad for my child yesterday.

Hmmm, we are still in no hurry to have another child, but know now where we stand. Today I feel much better and in desperate need to go over to my mommy-blog and post a gazillion pictures of the star and write a happy clappy post. I am so thankful I am a mommy-blogger these days, despite the crap of infertility that somehow never really leaves.
 
Stella 8 months old

Comments

[Kate]

She is so beautiful. And so advanced, too--driving already! :)

I am sorry this call brought you back to the sad land of IF. Dealing with such an insensitive person obviously did not help the matters. It blows my mind that people who choose to work on this very sensitive field can be such assholes.

I am so sorry this made you cry. While Stella won't have a sibling with the same genetic make-up, she and her sibling(s) will have the same mom and dad, you and your husband. And I am quite certain that is the most important thing for her.

[Kath]

Dear Nina, I'm so sorry that that call went that way -- it would have been so nice to have the same donor again. And I'm so sorry the donor coordinator couldn't be more empathetic -- at least it would have been helpful to have her listen and understand. She must know that this whole area is fraught with emotion, and that emotions just have to be felt and worked through.

That said, J is the only father Stella will ever know and love, and the same will go for her sibling. And they will love each other because they will know nothing but love from birth. Beagle said it just yesterday (I'm paraphrasing): biology doesn't make families -- love does. And in that way, Stella has the strongest family imaginable. A very lucky girl, she is.

[nikole]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I love what Kath said. Much love to you and your little family, my friend.

[Flicka]

Oh Nina, I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. It would be so special for Stella to share her experience with another sibling who is in the same situation. I'm sad for all of you that that won't be possible. And sad for the world because another Stella? would be AWESOME. She is the cutest little girl I think I have ever seen. Her eyes just slay me!

Whenever/if ever you decide to try again with a different donor, I know that child will be beautiful, loved and so very special, just as Stella is. And all of you together as a family, whether as a family of three or four or however big you get is incredibly amazing. You are all wonderful and you are all deeply loved. *Hugs*

[portlairge]

Oh Nina:
I'm sorry you had to go through that. How can someone so uncaring get to be a donor coordinator. It is beyond me. I'm glad today is better. Stella is gorgeous,. I can't believe she is 8 months already.
I would love to read your other blog. Is there a link?

[hopefulmother]

It's strange how we think we're going to know how we feel about something until it really happens - and then all bets are off.

I understand the way you are feeling and it stinks.

Stella is one lucky girl no matter who her biological parents are - and she will love a sibling just the same - no matter who his/her biological parents are.

[soralis]

She is adorable, so sorry about the donor thing. That just stinks! You would think they would keep enough around for siblings???

[Bea]

Ah, Nina. A little sympathy wouldn't have gone astray. I'm sorry it's worked out like this.

Bea

[abs]

I am sorry about the news - thanks for the update though and the lovely picture of Stella - what a star!

Abs x

[beagle]

People without empathy should not be allowed to work in any branch of healthcare!

I'm so sorry.

What Kath said is also true:

Stella and any and all future siblings already have what they need: YOU and J.

[Tudorienne]

Oh I'm sorry you got upset. I totally understand that you feel sad, I most probalbly would too. I completely depend on donor sperm to have a child.

But this is your loss, it may never be a loss for your daughter. In my view, having a sibling has very little to do with genes. I have two sisters. We all have a different hair colour. I got dad's big nose (thanks) and was very allegic as a child (thanks again!), they weren't. Then I have a brother too. He's got the big nose AND was allergic, but since he's younger than me, medicine had developped so that he could get a much better treatment for his allergics than me.

You know, these are just silly examples, but the point is we have the same bio-parents all four of us, but we got kind of different stuff out of it. And we all had completely different childhoods, because we're so different as individuals. Kind of different storys too. I guess I could elaborate on this, but it's already a long comment. My point is, I am sure that Stella will be perfectly fine!

[Lut C.]

Oh Nina, this must bring back all the pain from before. I'm sorry the donor has withdrawn from the programme, it must be hard not to know what is behind the change of heart.
You have every right to mourn the fact that this door has closed, entirely outside of your control.

[millie]

I'm so sorry that the donor coordinator wasn't more sympathetic. I'm even sorrier that you have another loss to grieve and imagine it's all the harder because now it affects your child. And I'm sorry that infertility keeps rearing it's ugly head when you least expect it.

And I agree with everything Kath said and Lut as well. So just ditto there.

Is there a chance that Stella can now her donor siblings?

[Eric]

Nina - Have you registered Stella's birth on the Donor Sibling Registry such that Stella might have the chance of finding these two half siblings someday? - Eric

[annmarie]

Nina, I didnt readd this post. Yet. I saw your comment and got excited because you're one of the people I was going to track down. I lost this blog address and you commented. thank you! Good to be back here...I like what you did with the place. Now let me go read this post!