If you are a reader of my other blog, the one where I constantly and in every post brag about how great, fantastic and wonderful Stella is, you know that I seemingly have turned into a mommy-blogger of the worst kind. Blahhh. I really have though. I'm a mommy-blogger, and although I know that some readers of this blog feel that they can never become a happy, clappy mommy-blogger after struggling with IF for years, I transitioned into it rather smoothly and naturally. Or so I thought, because who am I kidding. There is no happy clappy mommy-blogging for us infertiles, is there?
I had a big clash with "The Real World - Infertility" yesterday.
I made the call. I dreaded to make that call. I pushed calling the call into the future, one day at a time. I'll call tomorrow, tomorrow again, next week, after the vacation....
I called our RE's office yesterday to talk to our donor coordinator. About siblings. About our donor. About siblings we want our donor's sperm for.
Many of the people we told that Stella was conceived using donor sperm have asked if we have the option to use the sperm again if we ever wanted to try for a sibling. Everytime people asked, we had to say "we are not sure", because we weren't. We knew there possibly was the option for a sibling. But that it wasn't sure, depending much on the donor and the number of sucessfully conceived children with donors sperm.
Well, after calling we know the following:
1) The donors sperm is not available for us for trying for a sibling. It's nothing personal towards us, the donor just decided that he in general doesn't want to donate more. This is something we must respect.
2) Our donor coordinator will not contact the donor to ask if he is available for donoating to us for a sibling. He apparently has made clear that he is not available when she contacted him earlier this year when another couple wanted his sperm for a sibling.
3) There are at least two other children conceived with the donor's sperm.
4) Our donor coordinator is the most un-empathetic person in the whole fucking universe. While I was sobbing on the phone to her asking questions, she tells me that we simply have to regroup and adapt to the situation. And oh yeah, she also mentioned upon my repeated request to why she can't try to contact the donor again, that the donor has to be protected. Who the fuck protects my daughter?
We are very sad for our daughter that she can't have a sibling sharing the same donor conception story and the same donor. Very sad. In fact it feels like a big infertility bitch-slap in the face. And honestly I am rather surprised by that reaction. Prior to calling I didn't know what to expect. We knew that there was the possibility that we can't have the same donor. But once I was on the phone and the coordinator checked the data-base while I was on hold, my heart started racing and it felt as if one giant opportunity appeared, which within seconds was taken from us again.
So yet again, we feel a loss. I feel extremely sad for Stella and the lost opportunity. I do anything to protect Stella, but infertility is beating me. Infertility is just crap.
What is different this time is that we are prepared, but most of all that we have Stella. The best thing in the world. We suceeded once, and we will again. Just looking at Stellas big grin makes me so enormously happy.
It's weird though, I haven't been sad since we had Stella, and for sure I haven't cried since months. But yesterday I did. I felt a bit of bitterness emerging again, this time however it had a different undertone. While before I was mostly sad for us not being able to conceive, I felt so sad for my child yesterday.
Hmmm, we are still in no hurry to have another child, but know now where we stand. Today I feel much better and in desperate need to go over to my mommy-blog and post a gazillion pictures of the star and write a happy clappy post. I am so thankful I am a mommy-blogger these days, despite the crap of infertility that somehow never really leaves.
Stella 8 months old
