...so true!!!!
While Stella has since some weeks outgrown the Worth the Wait onesize, she has finally grown into the very very cute Wish come true onesize, which she got so very kindly from the fabulous (and wonderful and talented and kind and fantastic and all sorts of other "adoring" adjectives) Beagle. I hope so much that I can in the near future return the onesize to Beagle for her own little Wish come true to wear it. 
Check out our fashionable little baby in a very cool onesize that she got from the very generous Sunny Jenny. Thank you so much for it. For some reason though Stella can't wear this particular onesize longer than 2 hours, since she always succeeds peeing all over it (that's why I haven't been able to take a better picture than the one below) :-S...
Oh no. Not Mary-Ellen and Steve. This should not be happening. Please go over there and give them all your love and support.
*** UPDATE: Dooooh, of course all of your e-mails didn't work...doh....I provided the wrong adress. Dohhhh. The correct one is: stellaandorben at gmail dot com.
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Today is the 2nd blogiversary of this blog. I started this blog on blogger and would have never imagined how important it would become fore me. What would I have ever done without this blog? I would have never met all of you and Lut even IRL? I would have never been so well informed about IF as I am. I would have lacked confidence in demanding only the best when it comes to treatment and I assume that I would be still questioning many decisions I have made.
Hence, January 11th makes me a bit very sentimental. There have been quite some New Years Eves this past years when I didn't want to celebrate, when I could only think of what I didn't have - a child. Not this year though. This year started better than I could have ever imagined. New Years Eve I spent with Stella and J shedding tears of happiness.
So it is on January 11th, 2 years after I started this blog that I put it into some kind of passive existence. As I have announced earlier, I won't be blogging about Stella here, but rather on a password protected blog. Please let me know (stellaandorben at gmail dot com) if you want to be invited. I am only inviting those I "know" though...sorry but I feel that I need to be a bit restrictive.
I am surely going to write here too once in a while. I want to write how much I thank you for giving me all this support and love though the past 2 years. I am very grateful and more than thankful to have met all of you on this long journey. I most definitely wouldn't have come out of infertility hell as composed and well as I have been.
I want to write about the birth and I will give you a longer version of it for now I leave you with another picture and my general "feeling" about birth.
It was fantastic. Mild induction. Standing up 90 % of the time. Epidural. 3 tiny stitches required afterwards. J and me were a fantastic birthing team. We had a wonderful midwife guiding us through all of it, I get teary just thinking about her. I felt Stellas head as I pushed her out of me, this gave me an enormous kick to continue with what I was doing. 12 hour total from induction start (with a medicine against stomach ulcers???) to her lying on my stomach.
This is the next day at the "patients hotel", a place next to the hospital where new families can stay and have access to midwifes, etc. for 48 hours:
Stella born 30 december 2007. 9.44 pm.
Weight: 3415 gram. Height: 49 cm.
We are all doing very well.
More soon...for now...
My waters broke, the night before yesterday. In fact it all started with me loosing the mucus plug at 2 am on Dec.27 (38w5d) and possibly even then I started to lightly drip water. I consulted my smart pregnancy book and was advised to go back to sleep, which I tried to do (not that easy though when your heart and mind are racing). Eventually I slept an hour between 4 and 5 am. At 5 am my waters broke in my sleep, waking me up lying in a wet bed. I called the hospital to let them know what has happened and was advised to come in at 9 am. I was waiting for painful contractions to start.
At 9 am we went to the hospital with still no painful contractions. The doctor confirmed that my waters had broken and that both I and the Insider were doing just fine, and I was sent home with a new appointment for today in case labor hasn't set in....but not before another flush of waters breaking right there in the hospital leaving me with wet pants :-S.
Most of yesterday I slept, trying to gain energy and strength for the impending labor and delivery. This morning we went to the hospital again to have the baby and me monitored and all seems still fine, so we are back home again.
We are waiting for labor to start, contractions that is...we are waiting for contractions. The Insider is doing fine, in fact I think she is preparing for what will be her great entrance. We go back to the hospital tomorrow morning for more monitoring. If all is well even then, we will be sent home again. Labor will be induced no later than Sunday though.
I am in good spirits and I am working on keeping it this way. J is my rock. We are killing time now, cleaning (J), cooking de-frosting (me), sleeping (me), playing with the kitty (J), blogging (me) and watching films (both of us). I am back in limbo land in a way - no longer really pregnant, not in labor and not a mother yet. I am happy and excited and can't wait to have the Insider with us. I really hope I don't have to be induced, but whatever will be, will be, right?
Wish us luck and Happy New Year to all of you!!!
Tada.....
Before (when we moved in in March, the walls were "apricot orange" and the once probably very nice hardwood floor needed polishing and a new layer of paint)
After (white walls, polished and re-painted hardwood floors)
And to show you the tiny dimension of the room:
The Insider won't be sleeping in her little room in the beginning (because the room is so small), rather her little bed is placed right next to mine. Sleeping arrangements might be rediscussed/shuffled/moved in the future though.
Also, meet Elephant and Moon, which I made for the Insider to play with once she is a bit older:
Tiger doesn't like the new stroller, in fact he is afraid of it....such a wuzz, so no picture of that. I promised a picture of the pomegranate pendant, and I haven't forgotten about it. In the next post, ok?
We are ready now. Ready to take the packed bags and leave our live as a happy couple with a kitty behind us, to return as a family of three plus kitty. I am very excited and J is too.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.
The strangest thing happened this week. The pain in my back (pelvic girdle pain) is gone. G.O.N.E.. The first day I didn't really believe it and thought that my body was just playing me a trick or so, but it has been gone now since last weekend. The pain started out in week 6 and left in week 36. I feel like throwing the biggest party ever. E.V.E.R..
There are of course other pains and symptoms. My feet, ankles, and legs are swollen to the point where I don't fit into shoes, besides wearing compression stockings. Although I am very thankful that I am not pg in the summer with all the heat, at least I could wear flip-flops. So far I have one pair of winter boots left to wear, after that I will have to buy a pair of wellington boots. Since 3 days I also have a major headache, don't know why, but am so far treating it with drinking loads of water. Not sure if that really helps though, it only makes me set up camp on the loo. I am as huge as I can get I think I am up 14kg/30pounds and don't know how much more it'll be, but the gradual weight gain has slowed down a bit.
The babys room is almost ready (pictures soon). I have been sewing, knitting, crafting, and generally fixing a lot of things for the little one. I love that I had all this time on my hand (being on sick leave), which made it possible to indulge in all this hand-craftiness and not relying on buying everything. Since a week or so, carpal tunnel syndrome has set stop for most of those activities though. My fingers are numb, stiff and very sensitive. I finally understand what my grandma always complaint about. Oh well.
A short note on giving birth. In a dream world, I would have loved to give birth at home (given the fact that we live in close walking distance to our hospital). For first time-time parents that is not an option here in Sweden. You simply can't find any midwife who takes on the responsibility of doing it. So hospital it is, and I am totally ok with that too. Since the Insider is head-down, we are going for a vaginal birth. I am open to any kind of pain meds. I don't know my pain threshold so I don't know what's going to happen with that. In Sweden, if birth hasn't started naturally and both mother and baby are doing well induction won't be started before 42w0d. That's ok with me. I have a birth-plan set out in my head, I'll get it to paper this weekend and might share parts of it.
We'll pick up our baby stroller this weekend, you think Tiger the cat will cooperate for a first in-apartment stroll in it? I might post a picture of that too, alongside the upcoming baby room pictures.
On a pomegranate note, already some weeks ago I received my wonderful pomegranate pendant from Beagles Tuxedo Junction. It is even more beautiful than it was on the pictures in her Etsy shop. Oh well, if I'm going to post pictures I might throw one of the pendant in. Oh and pomegranate seems to be the thing. The Body Shop just launched a Pomegranate body butter. It smells yummy. I am quite convinced that Body Shops Mango and Coconut Body butter are responsible for me having turned into a whale without a single stretch mark on my belly or elsewhere (where was Body Shops body butter when I was getting hips during puberty?).
This post is all over the place I feel. But I'm about to finish it off....need ice cream...
Lastly, on a blog note, I have decided not to continue this blog after the Insider has been born. At least not until the day that infertility might come into our lives again in a more active way. I won't cancel this blog though. However, I have started a new blog, which can be read by invitation only, where both J and I will blog about our life after the Insider is born. There will be lots of pictures and even some videos, mostly intended to keep the Insiders grandparents, who don't live close to us at all, up to date. On this blog we haven't shared the Insiders conceptions story yet, but do intend so at some point (95% of the readers so far know it anyways). If you are interested to read, please send me a mail to stellaandorben (at) gmail (dot) com. Please also let me know who you are (in case you are not one of my cycle sisters, or long time blog readers/friends/etc.) and I will invite you.
Oh and now really lastly, I just had to comment on Mary-Ellen being pg with triplets, TRIPLETS. Woooow. So very very happy for her. A bit less happy am I about the fact that I will have to change the heading of the "Expecting one...or two" link list in the side bar into "Expecting one, two or THREE". Oh well, a little price to pay.
Next post, no words, just pics.....
Before the dead cat incident, which by the way still makes me so sad that one week after the death of Sweetheart I haven't been back to the parking garage, I wanted to blog about the parenting/prenatal classes.
Uhhhm, turns out that four weeks ago, when we were about to start the parenting class the class had actually started the week before. Forgetfulness is one of my major pg symptoms. So, I called and asked if we could start in the next course. So here we are, we just finished our first parenting class tonight. It was good actually. Mostly I think because some of the other 10 couples in it seem really nice and the midwife teaching the class is wonderful. This seems like the first time I don't have anything to complain about when it comes to trying to/being pregnant...wow.
The Insider is doing fine - I think. Kicking right away. My lungs have been beaten up the past weeks, since she placed her head down and feet up. I really hope that my belly will sink down in the VERY NEAR future. I need to breath again. Soccer in the future?
I'm doing ok too - I think. I am not sleeping too good any longer. My body hurts, and by now I am really sick of hurting. My legs and feet are really swollen (thanks to compression stockings the swelling is kept to a minimum now though) and my fingers really hurt. I think it's carpal tunnel syndrome, and knitting all day long doesn't really help. Otherwise I am fine, pretty much ready to have my body to myself again and to meet the Insider - finally. J is ready too I think.
We are going to fix the baby room this coming weekend. I am so looking forward to that and I will post before and after pictures. Also be prepared for a Pomegranate inspired post....
Sweetheart, the homeless cat is dead. She was female. She was pregnant. Someone complaint that she was living in the parking garage. The owner contacted animal control who came, caught her, and "took care of her" (their words, not mine). I just happened to come to the garage at the same time with the intention to feed the kitty to see it all happen.
I don't know why this breaks my heart so much? I know for the pg kitty the most humane thing is to be relieved from this unworthy life, freezing in a parking garage. What would have happened if she had to give birth to a bunch kitten? I also know that if people weren't so stupid, unknowing and unkind, that there wouldn't need to be any wild (born wild) homeless cats in a bigger city like ours.
Sweetheart is in heaven - I hope, where food, warmth and kindness is endless. At least she won't have to freeze to death. My heart is breaking though.
All is well with the Insiders heart.
After having spent 4 hours at the hospital this morning, having had one 45 minutes blood-flow u/s and a 30 minutes CTG done as well as 2 midwifes and one obstetricians listen to the Insiders heartbeat manually with one of those old-style wooden thingys (that I am too lazy to look up the English word for now), the diagnose is
"there is nothing wrong with the Insiders heart and its beating rhythm".
Exhale.
So why then the strange rhythm yesterday? Why the scare? We all saw the heart doing little irregular jumps yesterday on the screen.Everybody seems to agree that it most probably was due to the fact that the Insiders heart is still growing and developing and irregularities in the rhythm can be very normal.
I won't go back to the hospital until birth. My regular midwife has been instructed to do extra thorough heartbeat examinations with the wooden thingy (it's supposed to give a better sound of the actual heart beat than the electronic dopplers) as well as the doppler.
So we exhale. Due to the past days drama I am going to do something I didn't plan to do, I'm going to share yesterday u/s, showing her face (the face is turned up and her hand next to her mouth/chin). Click on the image in the brackets ( 
) if you want to see the u/s in a pop-up.
Thank you for you well-wishes also for the kitty, which I have named Sweetheart. They mean a lot and helped as always tremendously.
It was all going too well, wasn't it?
Remember the IVF/ICSI#1 debacle? Remember how it all started with a dead kitty?
Well, we are back there again. Actually not quite yet. The new kitty is not dead - yet. Temperatures are freezing by now and most parts of Sweden are covered in snow. J and I have started to feed a kitty, which is doing fine so far (as fine as one can be freezing outside). My heart is aching for the little fur ball and I am determined to not have a dead kitty again. This one will be different. This one will have a future. I have cried a lot about this the past days. The misery is just heart-breaking. Maybe it is the hormones as well.
Today we had our 32 weeks growth scan. She is growing fine. BUT, and I wish I never ever had to write this fucking BUT. Her heart is beating irregularly. The heart muscle itself looks anatomically correct and well developed, the rhythm is just not the way it should be. The u/s tech immediately booked us in for and extensive blood circulation and heart u/s tomorrow morning at our hospital (same one where we did the dIUI, just one floor up). She isn't too worried herself, she says she has seen this several times before, not meaning anything other than the heart growing and developing. Thus, she told us to try to keep worrying until the u/s to a minimum, and that is what we are trying to do. Succeeding so-so, it's difficult. We are so worried for our Insider whom we love so much already. I hope tomorrow will give us more information.
On the way back from the u/s our car almost broke down. We just made it to the repair shop in the last minute. 800$ and one hour later the car was working again.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day with better news. I can't stop thinking about the Insiders heart.
Just a quick update today, since I feel there will be more update-worthy stuff coming during the next days.
We had another appointment with our midwife (from now on these meetings will be bi-weekly). All is just fine with the Insider (and myself). She is doing great apparently. Very good heart rate, right position (head down), good estimated growth. My blood levels are good too, which made the meeting a very short one. The midwife didn't even demand me to step on the scale. Thankful for that.
With the anterior placenta I do feel lot's of kicks and pokes and J does too, but I am having a very hard time determining if what I am feeling in various corners of my belly is an elbow, knee, foot or simple head-banging. J asks me how it feels to have her "inside" there and yesterday night I replied It feels like she's dancing. It does. It is the most wonderful feeling.
I was glad that the midwife thoroughly examined my belly and confirmed that the Insider indeed lies with her head down. That'll probably explain why I need to rush to the toilet about 3 times per night the past week or so. Her head and my bladder are fighting it out. Who's going to get more space. 0-1 for Insider. Hope she stays head down. Next Thursday we have the big 32weeks growth u/s coming up. Tonight though, we are attending our first pre-natal/parenting class. Let's see how that turns out.
Throughout the past couple of days and even weeks, there has been someone visiting my blog about 255 times. My blog statistics look rather funny and I am starting to feel a bit concerned. What is so interesting on my blog that someone wants to come back about 25-30 times per day? Who are you and why come back to my blog this often? Do I need be worried?
***edited to add:***
Ahhhh how I love the wisdom of the blogging world.
In response to your smart comments
1) If the person would be reading back posts I'd see which posts were read. People have found my blog before and read the entire story (almost 2 years back). That takes time :-) and I am massively impressed that those people a) have not left right away and b) do come back. BUT, the person who has been here so many times the past weeks seems not to be reading back posts, just coming to my blog, leaving after a second or so.
2) It's not a spam robot either. I have those too :-S, but they have a different behaviour. They come once per day/week/etc. at the same time and scan. BUT, the persons who has been here so many times seems to have not pattern. He/she comes at any times during the day, however he/she seems to be sleeping 8 hours as well once per 24 hours.
3) :-D, no it's not myself. That would have been hilarious though :-D. It is someone from the US. It's directed from one of the (I think) bigger internet service providers, so I don't even think the city that I see as the origin is the "real" origin.
4) I bet you are exhaling now Tudorienne. :-). I have already figured out that you are reading and I think I am quite sure I know approximately where you are. You are of course NOT a stalker but a very much appreciated reader. Don't leave, I'm glad I get you through some boring working days.
5) Meg, what's a mobile phoney internet reader service? Sounds interesting but wouldn't I then see the mobile phone operator name in the reader information?
6) Clearly by now you all must have discovered that I do have too much time on my hands these days. Sitting on the couch knitting is only fun so many days. Instead of obsessing about somebody visitng my blog more than the average reader, maybe I should start to check out what my neighbors are doing? Anybody remember Hitchcocks Rear Window? That should keep me busy. Let's see....
